Memories

I finally got my slideshow working for the girls' pictures.  From when Hannah was born to the present.  Putting that together got me remembering quite a bit.  It reminded me of a blog I wrote a few months before Catlyn was born. From June 18, 2006

I am in the process of...what?...enlightenment?  Something of that sort.  I have been reading A Year with C.S. Lewis for my morning devotions and have decided to immerse myself into Lewis and Tolkein for a while.  My brain and my heart need nourishment of sorts.  Intellectual stimulation and spiritual growth.  And so, I am reading The Essential C.S. Lewis which includes the full text of Perelandra.  And here is where I am enlightened.  Ransom meets "the Green Lady" and speaks of disappointment.  She does not understand this at first.  Once she realizes what he means, she says, "One joy was expected and another is given."  Do I see things this way?  Or am I so disappointed I ignore the new joy?  She then says, "You could send your soul after the good you had expected, instead of turning it to the good you had got.  You could refuse the real good; you could make the real fruit taste insipid by thinking of the other."  Can we be content with what we are given in spite of the "expected"?  Dare we say our desires are what we need in spite of the fact God has chosen to give us something else?  How can we possibly say our view of things is more complete than His?!  And I am enlightened as I see myself doing this in being so set on wanting a boy.  I can want one, but if I am given a precious girl instead, how can I be disappointed?  How can I say God has made a mistake?  How can I be angry I have not received what I wanted...what I expected?  "...it is I, I myself, who turn from the good expected to the given good.  Out of my own heart I do it."  Oh, to trust our God so completely that we can take whatever He gives us in the exact same joy we may have had we been given the "expected."

 

My heart grows lighter, this burden is lifted.  I will rest in God's care.  I may continue to want one thing, but if I am given another, I will be content that it is His will for me and continue on from there.  I will not wallow in the past; I will not wallow in what I expected; I will, as the Green Lady, "turn from the good expected to the given good" knowing full well that is the best for me.  And if I am given what I had hoped for, may I be even more grateful in seeing my desires converge with God's.

 

I have seen this happen in my life; why is it so difficult to remember or believe?  I would not have "expected" my dear husband--but I am constantly amazed at how perfect he is for me.  God knew what I needed...and in the process filled so many of my desires as well.  I would not have "expected" to live in Iowa--but what a blessing the people have been.  And exactly what I needed.  And we have been given a beautiful home with a view on top of all of the other things.  And, showing His care for even our "petty" desires, I have a Starbucks that satisfies my coffee cravings.   What an amazing God.  He sees the little things, and when we are patient, when we give everything over to Him, we are blessed.  ABUNDANTLY!  Hallelujah and AMEN!