Timing

"Wow, that sure was poor timing."

That would be an understatement when referring to two different times in our lives. And maybe a few others.  But two times came to mind when Beth Moore was talking about Mordecai coming to Queen Esther and saying she needed to plead to the king on behalf of the Jews.  It was poor timing.

"It may seem like the worst time for you, but it is God's perfect timing."

Beth Moore talked about their bird dog and how it points for squirrels and not just birds, thus "embarrassing" her husband.  The only way to get the dog out of full point would be to pick it up and point it in a different direction.  Oh my, am I like that dog.

"We get frozen on one thing, and God picks us up and points us in a different direction."

She didn't talk about the dog protesting, but I bet it did.  Growling? I do that.  Bearing its teeth?  I've done that.  Barking?  Wait, are we talking about a dog or me?  I've done plenty of barking, too.  "I don't want to do this...I'm good here, thanks...But I'm comfortable! Why can't I just be comfortable?!!"


I'm protesting I'm comfortable in the eye of a hurricane?  God didn't want Jonah getting comfortable in his nice little hammock on the boat going the wrong direction.  Just like God doesn't want us getting comfortable when we are not where we are supposed to be.  So, sometimes we have to be thrown overboard.  

Once, it seemed we had been swallowed by the whale.  It was stinky. It was boring. But we made some nice friends on the inside.  And I think we learned a few valuable lessons.

Was Jonah supposed to get comfortable in the whale? "Gee, God, you got me here. Am I supposed to put up my tent? Plant some nice...sea kelp?"  Nope.  Just learn, Jonah.  Just remember WHO is in charge.  And so, we do.  We learn. And if we're wise, we write things down or sear them into our hearts. Never to forget...mostly so we don't have to learn it again...the hard way :)


So, we move off to the new place. Hmmm, grumbling all the way? Oops. Sorry.  Crying a bit? (or a lot?) Yeah, but....Okay, God.  It's not my timing.  It sure doesn't seem like what I want. Right now or ever.  But is that the point? No.  I don't want that to be the point.  I don't want what I'm asking for most of the time.  Life would be dreadful if we always got our way.  If we have kids, we can understand that clearly.  They don't usually like it, but we say no, because that's what's best for them.  And that is what God wants for us. The VERY best.  I'm so very thankful He has a better perspective than I do.

Shadow

"It's tough being a woman in another woman's shadow."

I'm doing Beth Moore's Bible study on Esther right now.  That statement was the first "scenario" in a study that talks about how it's tough being a woman.  That "other woman's shadow" can come from so many different sources and for many different reasons.  We all have mothers, friends, and possibly sisters, who can overshadow us without even meaning to.  We can become jealous, feel threatened, or even just not quite as worthy as they are.  Why? Certainly for no good reason.  

I had an idea for a blog, but I stopped to read a friend's blog first.  Suddenly my blog didn't seem like anything important.  I didn't have the whiz-bang story she did. I don't have a past of struggle on top of struggle.  I don't even have a past of big struggles.  No drugs, no sex, and hardly even any rock and roll. :)  Why do I feel like I need that to have a "good" testimony?  How exactly can I so flippantly discount all the times God saved me from stupid mistakes?  I could have gotten in car accidents, I could have (oy) gotten pulled over for more than one DUI, I think I probably could have gotten involved with the wrong guy....  But I didn't.  Why?  God is the only One Who knows.

Why do some people live relatively easy lives surrounded by people who love them, while others have to face struggle after struggle?  I don't really know that either.  But God knows. And, thank His glorious name, He knows what He's doing.  Does He compare me with other people?  Never.  Why do I?  I'm not better than anyone else because He's kept me out of trouble.  But I probably should be more thankful.  (And stop complaining about not having been involved with those "wrong" guys.)  Should I be more thankful than someone God brought out of a horrible past?  Yeah, I think maybe I should.  I didn't have to go through any of that.  Did I have it easier?  Who knows.  Maybe in some ways.  But I need to remember that God brought me through temptations, He didn't always let me skip past them.  My life might have been easier because I didn't date much (through no choice of my own--and there's where I'll start complaining) but was that because I had wonderful parents, grandparents, and aunts and uncles praying for me that I wouldn't face temptation?  Possibly.  Probably.  Maybe God just didn't want me falling, and He knew I would.  "And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear.  But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it." (1 Cor. 10:13)  So, I know I cannot turn up my nose at ANYONE.  Maybe I wasn't faced with that because God knew I couldn't handle it.  I think I'd ask Him about it when I get to heaven, but I'm thinking it's really not going to matter to me at all once I'm there. :)

It's kind of humbling.  Kind of? Okay, seriously humbling.  I'm an idiot. I know I am.  I'll be the first to stand up at the meeting and say, "Hi, my name is Sonja, I'm a judgmental, proud idiot."  But I can promise you, I'll be at the meeting.  Because in the past 17 years that I have been with an incredible man named Steve, I have learned more than the entire 21 years before that.  God gave me the perfect man for me.  The one who has shown me what compassion and love are.  And not just toward me, but he has helped me show compassion and love to others.  Hmmm, so I will say... "It's tough being a woman in another woman's shadow unless you have a man shining God's light beside you."

Love

Yesterday was my birthday. I was looking at my iPhone upside down and noticed something that really struck me.  Upside down my birth date when written 3/07 looks like LOVE when you just glance at it.  Why did it strike me?  Because I am constantly being reminded to love.  It is hard for me.  The "putting others before myself" love.  The "forgiving 70 times 7" love.  The "patient and kind" love.  I am, in my sinful nature, an extremely selfish, impatient, grumpy human being.  Without Christ's help, I would be a hermit in a mountain cottage brandishing my walking stick and cursing anyone who came near.  Not that I would enjoy being removed from the world, but I could do without the people.  So, God is constantly reminding me to love others.  I must keep forgiving. I must get out of bed and care for my family...and not just that, but I must do it joyfully.  That, I suppose, is the hardest part.  I love grumbling under my breath as I slam the bowls down on the counter and practically throw my daughters' juice and breakfast at them.  Sheesh.  If I could just get a glimpse at what I look like, I would be horrified.  And Satan chuckles.  "Got her again," he giggles. "She gets plenty of sleep, but if we just get her up and get her to think of herself first, we've got her for the rest of the day."  I hate to admit it, but he's right.  One thing goes wrong, and I am completely out of sorts.  My wonderful husband gave me a morning to myself yesterday. It was quiet and peaceful. I exercised without needing to hurry. I read in bed without being interrupted 10 times in as many minutes.  I actually sang in the shower without anyone coming in and saying, "What are you doing?"  But I didn't get the one "THING" I wanted, so I got grumpy.  We couldn't afford it anyway, but I got grumpy.  I'm not sure I actually even have shared with him that it is something I would really want. But I got angry.  SERIOUSLY?  Hello, spoiled one, how old are you?  Yikes.

So God uses a small visual thing to smack me over the head.  "Love," He tells me.  "Just do it. Do what I am telling you to do."  How often do I say that to my girls?  "Why can't you just do what I tell you to do?"  Hmmmm.  Why can't I?  Because I'm trying to do it on my own.  I'm independent. I don't like asking for help. At all.  But if you were trying to learn how to play baseball, wouldn't you accept help from Ken Griffey, Jr.?  If you were trying to learn how to be a playwright, wouldn't you accept help from Mr. Shakespeare?  And if you were trying to learn how to love, why wouldn't you accept help from the God, Who by very definition IS love?  So, I have to be blunt and tell myself, "Listen, idiot. You can't love and give without help. You can't be the person God wants you to be without HIS help.  So, open your eyes, open your heart, and listen. And accept His help. Let Him work through you. Stop blundering about on your own and get it right."  Love. Be patient. Be kind. Give and give and give. Don't expect anything. Just do what you know is right. Forget about yourself. And be joyful. Why? Because I'll get repaid in the end? Nope. Because it's what God wants me to do. And because, despite my rollercoaster emotions, I LOVE my family. I LOVE my friends. And, deep down, I would do absolutely ANYTHING for them. 

Memories

I finally got my slideshow working for the girls' pictures.  From when Hannah was born to the present.  Putting that together got me remembering quite a bit.  It reminded me of a blog I wrote a few months before Catlyn was born. From June 18, 2006

I am in the process of...what?...enlightenment?  Something of that sort.  I have been reading A Year with C.S. Lewis for my morning devotions and have decided to immerse myself into Lewis and Tolkein for a while.  My brain and my heart need nourishment of sorts.  Intellectual stimulation and spiritual growth.  And so, I am reading The Essential C.S. Lewis which includes the full text of Perelandra.  And here is where I am enlightened.  Ransom meets "the Green Lady" and speaks of disappointment.  She does not understand this at first.  Once she realizes what he means, she says, "One joy was expected and another is given."  Do I see things this way?  Or am I so disappointed I ignore the new joy?  She then says, "You could send your soul after the good you had expected, instead of turning it to the good you had got.  You could refuse the real good; you could make the real fruit taste insipid by thinking of the other."  Can we be content with what we are given in spite of the "expected"?  Dare we say our desires are what we need in spite of the fact God has chosen to give us something else?  How can we possibly say our view of things is more complete than His?!  And I am enlightened as I see myself doing this in being so set on wanting a boy.  I can want one, but if I am given a precious girl instead, how can I be disappointed?  How can I say God has made a mistake?  How can I be angry I have not received what I wanted...what I expected?  "...it is I, I myself, who turn from the good expected to the given good.  Out of my own heart I do it."  Oh, to trust our God so completely that we can take whatever He gives us in the exact same joy we may have had we been given the "expected."

 

My heart grows lighter, this burden is lifted.  I will rest in God's care.  I may continue to want one thing, but if I am given another, I will be content that it is His will for me and continue on from there.  I will not wallow in the past; I will not wallow in what I expected; I will, as the Green Lady, "turn from the good expected to the given good" knowing full well that is the best for me.  And if I am given what I had hoped for, may I be even more grateful in seeing my desires converge with God's.

 

I have seen this happen in my life; why is it so difficult to remember or believe?  I would not have "expected" my dear husband--but I am constantly amazed at how perfect he is for me.  God knew what I needed...and in the process filled so many of my desires as well.  I would not have "expected" to live in Iowa--but what a blessing the people have been.  And exactly what I needed.  And we have been given a beautiful home with a view on top of all of the other things.  And, showing His care for even our "petty" desires, I have a Starbucks that satisfies my coffee cravings.   What an amazing God.  He sees the little things, and when we are patient, when we give everything over to Him, we are blessed.  ABUNDANTLY!  Hallelujah and AMEN!