Life Unexpected

What an interesting year.  The first half was slow and easy and then July hit.  While Steve was away at camp with his junior high school kids, we received a phone call from the company that managed our rental house.  She just wanted to let us know that the house was being put up for sale and there would be a sign going up.  I was a little stunned.  Even more stunned when the next day, the sign was up.  I was hoping for a little time.  We had been looking for a house to buy, but not very seriously.  Apparently, it was time to look a little more seriously.  So, we did.  We looked, found some we might be interested in; but after seeing them in person, we realized they needed a LOT of work before being livable.  We kept looking.  In August, we finally decided to put an offer on the house we were renting.  It was a short-sale, so we prepared to wait for awhile for an answer.  "Awhile" was nearly 2 months.

Then in mid-September, we took a little break and spent a truly wonderful week at Disneyland and California Adventure with my parents.  The joy of that magical place was made even more joyful seeing it through two little girls' eyes for the first time.  Hannah and Catlyn enjoyed every single moment.  They were much more patient standing in line than we had dreamed, and the few long lines we encountered (bonus of going in September) were skipped by my dad's wheelchair.  Which was the only difficulty on our trip.  Dad had just had surgery on his knee, and it was not up to standing in line.  But we coped with the wheelchair and it became a blessing rather than an annoyance, for the most part. :)  Both girls even ventured onto Space Mountain and survived. :)

Back to the "real world," we kept praying for a positive answer on the house.  We had started feeling this was really the place for us and had stopped looking at any other houses.  September 27, we received what we felt was terrible news.  The house had gotten another, higher offer.  I felt everything crash down on me, but that's a previous blog. :)  So, we started looking again. We still couldn't imagine a better house for us.  I decided to write down what would be in my "dream house."  Just in case God needed help finding something good. ;)  September 29, I wrote: "I said I wanted a place that had a nice master bath, I'd like 2 sinks, but I don't really need that...I'd really like a walk-in closet. I would love to have a little 1/2 bath for guests. I really like the idea of a little deck for Steve and I to sit evenings...I'd love space for the girls to run about and not have to worry about a busy road...I'd love a place to put a pool or a good pool nearby. I'd like to not feel people are constantly looking into our house...I want room to have kids over."  There were other dreams that I didn't even think about asking for. They seemed too much.  I'd always loved the idea of having the house wired for speakers, and Steve dreamed of a tankless water heater.  

Barely a week later we found THE house. It was bank-owned and they were asking a little more than we could afford, but we decided to offer what we could afford and pray for the best. It was THE house. That's the only way I can describe it.  I had been praying we would just walk into a house and KNOW this was the place for us.  Sheesh, my heart started pounding the minute I looked at the realtor sheet describing it.  I thought it was WAY too good to be true.  I refused to get my hopes up, but my heart kept pounding.  It was gorgeous.  It was our dream house.

All through this process, our incredible pastors preached sermons based on Robert Morgan's book The Red Sea Rules The Same God Who Led You In Will Lead You Out.  In my last blog, I talked about how perfect the second sermon was for me.  They all came right at the time I needed them.  Rule 3--"Acknowledge your enemy, but keep your eyes on the Lord" came when I needed to stop being bitter toward the people who put an offer on our house.  Not that they are our enemies, but it felt like it at the time.  Rule 4--"Pray."  This came right after we had decided to put an offer on THE house.  Rule 5--"Stay calm and confident, and give God time to work."  Waiting. We were waiting to hear about the house. Would the bank except our offer?  Rule 6--"When unsure, just take the next logical step by faith."  We were sure stepping out in faith.  We had nothing to fall back on as we withdrew our offer on the house we were renting.  Rule 7--"Envision God's enveloping presence."  We were waiting and waiting and waiting. We just had to trust God, and I could truly feel everything was in God's hands.  He knew what was best. I had no clue. :)  Rule 8--"Trust God to deliver in His own unique way."  Wow. Yes. This house is unique. We had looked at soooo many.  We had seen so many houses that we could have "made work."  But this one?  All the others we had seen were built much earlier.  All the others had something that would need work.  None of the others had soooo many of the things we were dreaming about.  Rule 9--"View your current crisis as a faith builder for the future."  "Trials are treadmills and dumbbells for the soul."  Pastor Rick said, "God's goal in our lives is not to make us comfortable but to make us more like Christ."  AMEN!!  My faith has never been tested so much, and it has grown enormous amounts.

The last rule:  "Don't forget to PRAISE Him!!"  And, if you ask me about this house, I pray you will hear that I AM praising Him.  Every time someone gasps when they see it for the first time, every time someone says "Wow" when they see it, I'm giving all the glory to the Lord.  We got this house because of GOD.  We are blessed because God is gracious, loving, and merciful.  We have this house because God wants us to use it for His glory.  So, it is HIS house.  

By the way, my list of things for my "dream house"?  This house...ALL of that, and more.  We have an amazing master bath, complete with a whirlpool tub that came in handy after a billion trips up and down our hill as we moved.  We have two really cool sinks. The kind I have been wanting for years.  We have TWO closets that are sort of walk-in size.  We have an adorable 1/2 bath right by the front door.  We have a great little deck, just for two, off the room we have made into our office/den.  We have 1.6 acres that includes rocks to climb on, a place for a playhouse, and a little seasonal creek.  We can hardly see our neighbors. And we are looking forward to the church office party here in January, hosting an awesome Super Bowl party for the youth, and welcoming lots of people over as much as we can.

It was a long and difficult journey, and our 13th move in 15 1/2 years was one of our most difficult, but we are all moved in, and Hannah said, "This Christmas is the best Christmas ever!"  To God be the GLORY!!

His Glory

"Be more concerned for God's glory than for your relief."  This is #2 of God-given strategies for difficult times discussed in Robert Morgan's book The Red Sea Rules The Same God Who Led You In Will Lead You Out.  This book. These rules. Whew. The timing the Lord has is impeccable.  Our pastors at Sierra Vista Presbyterian are preaching on this book right now. And Paul's sermon on rule #2 sunk in at just the right time.  Sunday was a great day, then Monday came crashing down upon us.  The house we made an offer on, are living in, and thought we would stay in got another higher, better offer.  I cried.  Believe me, I cried.  I sat on the floor of our closet in the dark, rocked back and forth, and sobbed my heart out.  I even had to excuse myself from the dinner table when tears started to fall again.  But...God shines through.  God whispers His comfort, His perfect words, and I am at peace.  How?  Because I have realized God's glory is more important than my plan.  God's glory is more important than my life.  Instead of praying, "God, get me out of this mess" as my sinful nature desperately wanted to, I decided to put Paul's sermon into practice.  I decided to pray, "How can I bring glory to God in this situation?"  How can my life point others to the Creator of the universe?  You know, peace FLOODS. It doesn't seem to seep slowly into my soul, it POURS, saturates, drowns.  What a wonderful feeling.


"God never wastes a suffering.  He always uses them to help us grow."  Lord, help me to grow.  Help our girls to see Your awesome power and provision.  Help them to see parents who fully trust in You.  Help my dear husband to experience this incredible peace and joy.  Help us to follow You wherever You lead.


The rest of those strategies?
Rule #1-- Realize that God means for you to be where you are.
Rule #2 -- Be more concerned for God's glory than for your relief.
Rule #3 -- Acknowledge your enemy, but keep your eyes on the Lord.
Rule #4 -- Pray.
Rule #5 -- Stay calm and confident, and give God time to work.
Rule #6 -- When unsure, just take the next logical step by faith.
Rule #7 -- Envision God's enveloping presence.
Rule #8 -- Trust God to deliver in His own unique way.
Rule #9 -- View your current crisis as a faith builder for the future.
Rule #10 -- Don't forget to praise Him.


So, we will wait.  We will go look at other houses, just in case.  Just in case God doesn't want us to stay in this house because we know He is able to keep us here if that's His will.  Just in case God has a better house for us. A better place for us to be.  I can't imagine.  I thought we could be a light right here.  Maybe we still will be.  Maybe we already have been and it's time to move on.  I don't know.  But God does, and I'm perfectly content to let Him work.  Steve said he hates being in "crisis mode."  And I hate the "not knowing," too.  I'd like to be settled and have a house that is our very own.  But crisis is where we have a chance to let God work His OWN way.  We have no clue what we're doing so we have to let Him lead.  It's hard, but it's a GREAT place to be.  Let's "stay calm and confident, and give God time to work." :)

Movie quotes

Stephen King wrote an article for Entertainment Weekly back in 2004 called "Lines to Live By."  And I have to agree.  He said, "I have a theory that Americans fall into two groups: those who are passionate about movies and those who aren't.  Those who are live in families that develop a whole stock of great lines, a kind of inner slanguage that helps to trace a family's growth just as accurately (and sometimes just as poignantly) as old videotapes or Kodaks in a scrapbook."

As we sat at dinner the other night, just the girls and I, I looked out the window and said, "Squirrel!"  Catlyn IMMEDIATELY said, "I hate squirrels."  And if you have seen UP, you understand.  My precious daughter doesn't really hate squirrels, she was just quoting the movie.  And from there, we immediately start with other quotes. My favorite? "It's funny because the squirrel gets dead." :)  Then we move on to other movies.  If you go up to Catlyn and say, "Gummy bears, gummy bears, gummy bears!"  She will, without skipping a beat, say, "Not now, Steve." She will probably even roll her eyes and sound exasperated. :)  (That is from Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs)  Another favorite from that movie is, "You did it, Chicken Brent!!"  :)  They will do the "super bark" from Bolt. They will quote Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (the Johnny Depp version, of course).  We have been thoroughly enjoying watching movies with them, then repeating our favorite lines over and over...and over and over. :)


Perhaps they get this from their mom and dad who can have whole conversations using Simpsons quotes or Venture Brothers quotes. :)  Whatever the case, we have become a family who will quote movies. I can't wait to hear the next round of quotes.

Okay, Lord

Okay, Lord.  I guess that's all I can say right now.  I suppose I could get frustrated, swear, and hide in my closet.  What good would that do me?  This past week...a favorite teacher of mine died, a classmate from high school died, my mother was diagnosed with early signs of Parkinson's, and the house we're renting was put up for sale.  Really?  A little part of me is in the closet, on the floor in tears, swearing at the top of my lungs.  (For those of you who have had it worse, I apologize for my pettiness, and I'm praying hard for you)  The other part of me is smiling and saying, "Okay, Lord, bring it on. What would you like me to learn?"  Have I forgotten how to trust in Him?  I don't think so, but there's something going on here.  God doesn't "coincidentally" bring things into our lives.  He has everything planned. To the second.  So, I can fight, and kick and scream like a 2-year-old.  Or I can behave like the 35-year-old Christian I am (a Christian for 35 years), and relax.  Becoming a Christian at 4 years old does not guarantee a smooth and easy life.  Relatively, it has been a breeze.  And I will praise the Lord for that.  I will welcome everything with joy and the knowledge it is happening for a reason.  God will use all things for my good. Even if I completely screw up.  That was a bit of a shock to me when I actually read that passage carefully.  "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." (Romans 8:28 NIV)  ALL THINGS.  Everything. He will help us grow and learn and become more like Him when we seek His will.  I could throw everything away and become bitter.  But when I look around...when I see my beautiful, perfect Hannah who had hydrocephalus before being healed, when I see my Catlyn who I thought should have been a boy but has been the perfect little girl I needed, when I look at the gorgeous trees and mountains around me, gaze at the beautiful full moon, gawk at the infinite universe that some scientists still think HAS to contain other intelligent life, I just can't doubt my AWESOME God.  I KNOW He will work things out for us.  I KNOW He has a plan for us.  "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.'" (Jeremiah 29:11-12)  So I will.  I will call upon Him.  I will give Him today, tonight, tomorrow, and the future.  And...I'm not going to stress.  'Cause He's got it.  :)  No point in me worrying when He will point me in the right direction when I listen.  So, I'll listen.  I will give every day to Him and know He will provide what is best.  And sometimes the "best" is hard.  Sometimes we need to be refined. Not a pleasant process...but the end result? PERFECTION in heaven.  That's good enough for me.  Okay, Lord. :)

Prodigal Son

For the past few months, Pastor Rick has been preaching on hospitality and has used Luke 15:11-32--the story of the prodigal son--for a major part of it.  Before this series I probably could have told you every detail about that parable.  I could have told you I sometimes relate more to the elder son than the younger, and I would have told you that's not a good thing.  I knew the story.  I knew the reason Jesus told it.  But I hadn't stopped to think about everything behind it.  There are times when you really need to remember what society was like when Jesus was telling this story.  The elder son was not just grumpy, he was downright disobedient and rude.  Eep.  The father was not just forgiving, he was completely selfless.

Back then, and even now, asking for your inheritance would be highly insulting.  It would be basically saying, "I'm eager for you to die, get on with it."  The Pharisees listening to the story would have been shocked to hear the father actually giving the sons their inheritance.  A Jewish patriarch NEVER would have granted this request.  The father would have been looked down upon as well.

The father RAN to the son when he returned.  Back then, men did NOT run.  It was highly improper and would have been humiliating.  Why did he do it?  Was he just so excited he couldn't bother with societal rules?  Or did he decide to do something so humiliating people would be talking about HIM instead of this son who should be shunned?  Or did he run to get to the son before the community could publicly declare him unwelcome, which they definitely would have done?

The father gave him his robe, saying he was forgiven and welcomed back into the family.  The father gave him a ring--like giving him the family credit card--saying he was trusted.  The father gave him shoes, setting him apart from the slaves.  The father called for the fattened calf, saying he was inviting everyone in the community, not just family.  A family celebration would have made do with chickens or something less extravagant than a calf.

Instead of being an object of ridicule, the son became an object of sympathy.  The message to the prodigal?  "If you are lost, TURN and go Home."

Now the elder son...apparently while the father was planning this party, the older brother was working in the fields and didn't even receive an invitation, or maybe was too busy to stop when a servant came to tell him?  When he returns to the house and hears the music and dancing, he is angry and refuses to go in.  His first insult to his father.  In that society, the elder son would have been the one welcoming people as they came so the father could mingle.  Then, when his father comes out to plead with him (another insult--making his father leave the party), the first words out of his mouth were, "Look!"  Never would you address someone without a title first.  Even those who hated Jesus addressed him as "Teacher."  The son says he has been "slaving" for the father.  But, technically, he was working his own fields since the father had given HIM his inheritance as well. (Another insult, since decency would have demanded he refuse his inheritance when the father was splitting it up.)  He also lies.  He says he has "never disobeyed your orders."  But he just refused to go into the party.  "This older boy who looks so good on paper was just as lost as the younger."

The older brother wasn't necessarily upset his brother was back--he was upset his father had welcomed him.  And even more upset that he was giving him a party!  But the party wasn't for the son, it was for the father.  If you look back at the parables Jesus linked to this one--about the sheep and the coin--you see parties being thrown.  Not for the sheep or for the coin, but for the shepherd and the woman because they were happy the lost thing had been recovered.  The father threw a party because he wanted to rejoice.  So, the younger son, who completely messed up, is at the party. And the older son, who followed the rules, is stuck outside.

We need to decide if we are going to stay outside and grumble or go in and party.  Incidentally, where is the father at the end?  He is outside with the older son, still pleading with him.  We have a God Who seeks the lost.

Confessions of a fallen paladin #1

First, I suppose I need to define paladin for all who don't quite understand the term.  Merriam-Webster defines paladin as "a trusted military leader (as for a medieval prince)" and "a leading champion of a cause."  A paladin could bring to mind pictures of the Crusades and knights.  

A paladin is a class in Dungeons and Dragons and other role-playing games (RPGs).  A paladin has a very strict code by which he must live.  Any deviation from that code would result in a fall...perhaps of Biblical proportions.  Here are some more definitions:

         The paladin is a holy knight, crusading in the name of good and order...compared
         to other classes the paladin class has one of the most restrictive codes of conduct 
         in their single-mindedness and utter devotion to good.  Paladin characters are 
         expected to demonstrate and embody goodness.  It is taboo for a paladin to lie 
         or use poison, and some interpretations say [she] should only use stealth as a 
         last resort.  (taken from Wikipedia)


A paladin must be Lawful Good--which very basically means he has certain rules he must follow, and he must follow the rules always.  Any sneakiness is forbidden.  Black is black and white is white. The end.


I was a paladin.  A friend of mine says she is a recovering Pharisee.  I am a recovering paladin.  They are very similar.  I followed the rules.  I expected everyone else to follow the rules.  I was shocked when I began to realize not everyone thought the rules were important.  Not everyone followed the rules.  And, more importantly, not everyone appreciated being reminded of those rules.  Being an out-spoken paladin, I tended to...no, I HAD to, point out the rules when they were being broken.  I know now that made me very annoying to be around.  I know now that I lost friends because I sounded very self-righteous.  In a way, I was.  I knew the rules. I followed the rules.  If you didn't, you were wrong.  It didn't matter why; it didn't matter that you were a wonderful person.  There was no mercy.  There was certainly no grace.


I still believe life is black and white.  But only God can see those shades because only God can see our hearts.  My life is full of stormy gray, antique white, and steel.  I cannot judge because I am just as fallen as everyone else.  I cannot judge because I cannot see the TRUTH as God can.  And as a paladin, I thought I could.  I thought I knew what was right and what was wrong.  But I forgot about love and grace.  You see, a paladin's life is a lonely one.  A paladin doesn't have many friends.  A paladin doesn't need friends.  A paladin would sooner lop off a friend's head than let that friend make her fall.  And I'm afraid I did that.  I don't think I came out and said the words, but I think my attitude and perhaps my facial expressions did severe damage.  And, oh, does it make me cringe. Oh, does it make me weep.  All I can say is, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry."  I had no right to judge.  God told me to LOVE. Not to shake my finger. Not to point out mistakes. Not to stick up my nose.


Relient K has many songs I just love.  Here is another that sums this up for me. It's called "Who I Am Hates Who I've Been."  The chorus goes:


        Stop right there, that's exactly where I lost it.
        See that line? Well, I never should have crossed it.
        Stop right there! Well, I never should have said that
        It's the very moment that I wish that I could take back.
        I'm sorry for the person I became.
        I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change.
        I'm ready to try to never become that way again.
        'Cause who I am hates who I've been
        Who I am hates who I've been.


I'm not a paladin any more.  Oh, I think I still try to be a champion for the weak and helpless.  I still don't like when people don't follow the rules...but since I'm married to a rogue (and have another best friend who is a rogue)...well, I know about not following the rules, too.  And there's God's sense of humor for you.  What better way to calm a paladin and tame a rogue than to make them fall head over heels in love?  Because a paladin destroys without grace and a rogue destroys without mercy.  A middle ground embraces grace and love.  A middle ground leads by example and loves.  A middle ground embraces the sinner and hates the sin.  A middle ground follows the rules because of love, not duty.  A middle ground LOVES. 

15 years

17 years, 9 months, 2 days.  We both aren't great with when things happened. So we just picked a date and said it was our first date.  We were working at Cascades Camp in Yelm, WA.  We were both counselors. We really weren't supposed to date. He already had a girlfriend back in Chicago. I had come to camp thinking to clear my head. No boys. No complications.  God's funny like that.

If you had described him to me, I would not have said, "Yep, that's the perfect guy for me."  He doesn't really like sports, he's not much of a reader, he doesn't always (usually?) follow the rules. But the more I got to know this "Splinter" (his camp name), the more I was hooked.  He was fun. He had a great sense of humor. He had long hair. He wore a bandanna. He wore Tevas most of the time. He even had his ear pierced. He was incredible. He had chocolate brown eyes you could drown in. He was so not what I had been looking for.  He was perfect.

Our first date was a double date of sorts with my best friend and my second cousin (who also happened to be a counselor there that summer).  After we sent our campers home, we had the rest of the day off.  We all hiked up to Fossil Rock. An incredibly beautiful place. Look one direction, and it looks like you could reach out and touch Mt. Rainier. Look the other direction and you can almost see the camp and then on forever.  We even looked down on an eagle once.  It was a beautiful day, and I was excited to finally be out with this guy.  After hiking, we went back to my friend's car.  Someone had broken into it and stolen her tapes and my purse.  Not cool, but not the most horrible thing in the world.  I didn't have much money and the only thing that was slightly a big deal was that my glasses were in the purse. (They were miraculously found a month or two later)  The idea of having things stolen was a little upsetting and my sweet date (sitting in the back with my cousin) reached up and affectionately rubbed my shoulder to comfort me.  My heart went a mile a minute.  Then we went to see a movie. Pretty darn close to the worst movie ever. It was Cool World.  And my dear date practically fell asleep, it was that dreadful. But we had something to laugh about because we all agreed it was terrible.  And that's where my brain turned off apparently because I can't really remember anything else that happened that night.  But that was the beginning of sorts.


15 years. Saturday, May 6, 1995.  It wasn't a perfect day for a wedding. It was cloudy and a little cool. But it didn't matter. Frankly, nothing mattered that day but getting married.  I was not the kind of girl who had the whole wedding planned in her head and it HAD to go perfectly. It didn't go perfectly, but my family was there. Steve's family was there. Our friends were there. We were at the camp where we had met nearly 3 years earlier. It was perfect. It was right. And it was most definitely God-planned.  

This man. This man who had left a good catering job and plans to be a chef because God told him he was going into ministry. This man who was almost the direct opposite of me in many ways.  This man with whom I really didn't have a whole lot in common. (It's amazing how much we have in common now.)  This man who still can make my heart flutter by simply whispering "Hi" in my ear. This man who still can make my knees buckle with a kiss. This man whom I love more than anyone or anything on the planet, and even more now after nearly 18 years together.


I could say it doesn't seem like we've been married 15 years. But I could also say it seems like a lot longer.  It doesn't seem like it has been 15 years because I don't feel old enough to have been married that long.  It seems like a lot longer because I feel like I have known him forever.  He knows me better than anyone. And, surprisingly enough, he loves me better than anyone. :)  This is my best friend. We have so many "in-jokes" we could talk for hours without anyone having any idea what we were talking about.  One word can make us laugh.  I can ask him, "Would I like this?" And he knows. He is rarely surprised by anything I say or do. And he loves when I say, "I can't believe you just said that." Mostly because it's a rarity.  

I don't like being away from him. Ever.  I love sharing everything with him.  He complements me in ways that make me a better person.  Being my opposite has brought us both to a happier and healthier middle ground. Both of us have grown closer to God because of the other person. And I look forward to spending the rest of my life with him. And more.

Exercise

Seriously? Why do I have to get brilliant ideas for blogs at 12:30 A.M.?!  At least I have an iPhone, so I could potentially do a voice memo on brilliant blogs and then type them out at a normal hour.  Perhaps I shall start doing that.  In the meantime, I just need to take the time to type.  Who cares if no one is reading this right now? Perhaps my girls will someday. Perhaps I will just need to go back and remind myself of the things I was going through at this point in my life.  I'm not doing this to join in on some strange popularity contest, so why do I sometimes forget that?  I won't anymore.

I've started "walgging" (part power-walking, part brisk jog) in the mornings to add to my afternoon Wii Fit workout, and I have a delightful playlist I get listen to.  It gives me a 4-minute walk to warm up, then a 1-minute brisk jog. Then I jump to a 2-minute walk, a 2-minute brisk jog; then a 3-minute walk, a 3-minute jog; a 4-minute walk, a 4-minute jog; and back down 3-min.walk then jog, 2-minute walk then jog, 1-minute walk then jog; and finally a 5-minute walk to cool down.  This morning that took me a little over 3 miles and 40 minutes.  It was delightful.  And I find myself smiling as I go.  Does that look funny to anyone who might happen to see me? I hope so. I hope they think, "Why in the world is she so happy out jogging or walking at 8 a.m.?"  Would that someone would even see me later and ask me. :)  That would be awesome. Because then I could say, "Oh, I was just enjoying the beautiful morning God gave me."  And I was. Blue sky, happily babbling river and stream with an adorable little waterfall, and wispy white clouds obscuring the tops of the towering hills around me.  And I got to see this while I listened to some great music reminding me that God's in control.

I just finished the playlist last night, so this morning was the first time I got to use it. And I was amazed at what great choices I made (thanks for the inspiration, Lord).  My first song is "More Than Useless" by Relient K and it is a great song to start off the morning.

Sometimes I think that I'm not any good at all

Sometimes I wonder why, why I'm even here at all

But then, you assure me

I'm a little more than useless

When I think that I can't do this

You promise me that I'll get through this

And do something right,

Do something right for once.

I can do this. Not just getting up and getting some aerobic exercise, but getting through the day. Being a good mom. Being a godly wife and support to my fabulous husband. And getting to smell the lilacs and lose some weight while I'm at it. :)

Then, as I continued, the songs that came on to get me running, or even helping me climb the hills were God-timed.  They were inspiring and fun. And I hope the birds enjoyed watching me smile, 'cause I'm not sure anyone else saw me except the two little old men out walking their dogs. And they certainly looked like they could use a happy smile and "Good morning." :) I hope their days were a little better because a young whippersnapper power-walked past them and happily said, "Good morning." :)

Another song I love by Relient K came on while I gazed at the blue sky

Now I'm sunny with a high of 75

Since you took my heavy heart and made it light

And it's funny how you find you enjoy your life

When you're happy to be alive

And I think that's an excellent start to my morning. Thank you, Lord.

Timing

"Wow, that sure was poor timing."

That would be an understatement when referring to two different times in our lives. And maybe a few others.  But two times came to mind when Beth Moore was talking about Mordecai coming to Queen Esther and saying she needed to plead to the king on behalf of the Jews.  It was poor timing.

"It may seem like the worst time for you, but it is God's perfect timing."

Beth Moore talked about their bird dog and how it points for squirrels and not just birds, thus "embarrassing" her husband.  The only way to get the dog out of full point would be to pick it up and point it in a different direction.  Oh my, am I like that dog.

"We get frozen on one thing, and God picks us up and points us in a different direction."

She didn't talk about the dog protesting, but I bet it did.  Growling? I do that.  Bearing its teeth?  I've done that.  Barking?  Wait, are we talking about a dog or me?  I've done plenty of barking, too.  "I don't want to do this...I'm good here, thanks...But I'm comfortable! Why can't I just be comfortable?!!"


I'm protesting I'm comfortable in the eye of a hurricane?  God didn't want Jonah getting comfortable in his nice little hammock on the boat going the wrong direction.  Just like God doesn't want us getting comfortable when we are not where we are supposed to be.  So, sometimes we have to be thrown overboard.  

Once, it seemed we had been swallowed by the whale.  It was stinky. It was boring. But we made some nice friends on the inside.  And I think we learned a few valuable lessons.

Was Jonah supposed to get comfortable in the whale? "Gee, God, you got me here. Am I supposed to put up my tent? Plant some nice...sea kelp?"  Nope.  Just learn, Jonah.  Just remember WHO is in charge.  And so, we do.  We learn. And if we're wise, we write things down or sear them into our hearts. Never to forget...mostly so we don't have to learn it again...the hard way :)


So, we move off to the new place. Hmmm, grumbling all the way? Oops. Sorry.  Crying a bit? (or a lot?) Yeah, but....Okay, God.  It's not my timing.  It sure doesn't seem like what I want. Right now or ever.  But is that the point? No.  I don't want that to be the point.  I don't want what I'm asking for most of the time.  Life would be dreadful if we always got our way.  If we have kids, we can understand that clearly.  They don't usually like it, but we say no, because that's what's best for them.  And that is what God wants for us. The VERY best.  I'm so very thankful He has a better perspective than I do.

Shadow

"It's tough being a woman in another woman's shadow."

I'm doing Beth Moore's Bible study on Esther right now.  That statement was the first "scenario" in a study that talks about how it's tough being a woman.  That "other woman's shadow" can come from so many different sources and for many different reasons.  We all have mothers, friends, and possibly sisters, who can overshadow us without even meaning to.  We can become jealous, feel threatened, or even just not quite as worthy as they are.  Why? Certainly for no good reason.  

I had an idea for a blog, but I stopped to read a friend's blog first.  Suddenly my blog didn't seem like anything important.  I didn't have the whiz-bang story she did. I don't have a past of struggle on top of struggle.  I don't even have a past of big struggles.  No drugs, no sex, and hardly even any rock and roll. :)  Why do I feel like I need that to have a "good" testimony?  How exactly can I so flippantly discount all the times God saved me from stupid mistakes?  I could have gotten in car accidents, I could have (oy) gotten pulled over for more than one DUI, I think I probably could have gotten involved with the wrong guy....  But I didn't.  Why?  God is the only One Who knows.

Why do some people live relatively easy lives surrounded by people who love them, while others have to face struggle after struggle?  I don't really know that either.  But God knows. And, thank His glorious name, He knows what He's doing.  Does He compare me with other people?  Never.  Why do I?  I'm not better than anyone else because He's kept me out of trouble.  But I probably should be more thankful.  (And stop complaining about not having been involved with those "wrong" guys.)  Should I be more thankful than someone God brought out of a horrible past?  Yeah, I think maybe I should.  I didn't have to go through any of that.  Did I have it easier?  Who knows.  Maybe in some ways.  But I need to remember that God brought me through temptations, He didn't always let me skip past them.  My life might have been easier because I didn't date much (through no choice of my own--and there's where I'll start complaining) but was that because I had wonderful parents, grandparents, and aunts and uncles praying for me that I wouldn't face temptation?  Possibly.  Probably.  Maybe God just didn't want me falling, and He knew I would.  "And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear.  But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it." (1 Cor. 10:13)  So, I know I cannot turn up my nose at ANYONE.  Maybe I wasn't faced with that because God knew I couldn't handle it.  I think I'd ask Him about it when I get to heaven, but I'm thinking it's really not going to matter to me at all once I'm there. :)

It's kind of humbling.  Kind of? Okay, seriously humbling.  I'm an idiot. I know I am.  I'll be the first to stand up at the meeting and say, "Hi, my name is Sonja, I'm a judgmental, proud idiot."  But I can promise you, I'll be at the meeting.  Because in the past 17 years that I have been with an incredible man named Steve, I have learned more than the entire 21 years before that.  God gave me the perfect man for me.  The one who has shown me what compassion and love are.  And not just toward me, but he has helped me show compassion and love to others.  Hmmm, so I will say... "It's tough being a woman in another woman's shadow unless you have a man shining God's light beside you."

Love

Yesterday was my birthday. I was looking at my iPhone upside down and noticed something that really struck me.  Upside down my birth date when written 3/07 looks like LOVE when you just glance at it.  Why did it strike me?  Because I am constantly being reminded to love.  It is hard for me.  The "putting others before myself" love.  The "forgiving 70 times 7" love.  The "patient and kind" love.  I am, in my sinful nature, an extremely selfish, impatient, grumpy human being.  Without Christ's help, I would be a hermit in a mountain cottage brandishing my walking stick and cursing anyone who came near.  Not that I would enjoy being removed from the world, but I could do without the people.  So, God is constantly reminding me to love others.  I must keep forgiving. I must get out of bed and care for my family...and not just that, but I must do it joyfully.  That, I suppose, is the hardest part.  I love grumbling under my breath as I slam the bowls down on the counter and practically throw my daughters' juice and breakfast at them.  Sheesh.  If I could just get a glimpse at what I look like, I would be horrified.  And Satan chuckles.  "Got her again," he giggles. "She gets plenty of sleep, but if we just get her up and get her to think of herself first, we've got her for the rest of the day."  I hate to admit it, but he's right.  One thing goes wrong, and I am completely out of sorts.  My wonderful husband gave me a morning to myself yesterday. It was quiet and peaceful. I exercised without needing to hurry. I read in bed without being interrupted 10 times in as many minutes.  I actually sang in the shower without anyone coming in and saying, "What are you doing?"  But I didn't get the one "THING" I wanted, so I got grumpy.  We couldn't afford it anyway, but I got grumpy.  I'm not sure I actually even have shared with him that it is something I would really want. But I got angry.  SERIOUSLY?  Hello, spoiled one, how old are you?  Yikes.

So God uses a small visual thing to smack me over the head.  "Love," He tells me.  "Just do it. Do what I am telling you to do."  How often do I say that to my girls?  "Why can't you just do what I tell you to do?"  Hmmmm.  Why can't I?  Because I'm trying to do it on my own.  I'm independent. I don't like asking for help. At all.  But if you were trying to learn how to play baseball, wouldn't you accept help from Ken Griffey, Jr.?  If you were trying to learn how to be a playwright, wouldn't you accept help from Mr. Shakespeare?  And if you were trying to learn how to love, why wouldn't you accept help from the God, Who by very definition IS love?  So, I have to be blunt and tell myself, "Listen, idiot. You can't love and give without help. You can't be the person God wants you to be without HIS help.  So, open your eyes, open your heart, and listen. And accept His help. Let Him work through you. Stop blundering about on your own and get it right."  Love. Be patient. Be kind. Give and give and give. Don't expect anything. Just do what you know is right. Forget about yourself. And be joyful. Why? Because I'll get repaid in the end? Nope. Because it's what God wants me to do. And because, despite my rollercoaster emotions, I LOVE my family. I LOVE my friends. And, deep down, I would do absolutely ANYTHING for them. 

Memories

I finally got my slideshow working for the girls' pictures.  From when Hannah was born to the present.  Putting that together got me remembering quite a bit.  It reminded me of a blog I wrote a few months before Catlyn was born. From June 18, 2006

I am in the process of...what?...enlightenment?  Something of that sort.  I have been reading A Year with C.S. Lewis for my morning devotions and have decided to immerse myself into Lewis and Tolkein for a while.  My brain and my heart need nourishment of sorts.  Intellectual stimulation and spiritual growth.  And so, I am reading The Essential C.S. Lewis which includes the full text of Perelandra.  And here is where I am enlightened.  Ransom meets "the Green Lady" and speaks of disappointment.  She does not understand this at first.  Once she realizes what he means, she says, "One joy was expected and another is given."  Do I see things this way?  Or am I so disappointed I ignore the new joy?  She then says, "You could send your soul after the good you had expected, instead of turning it to the good you had got.  You could refuse the real good; you could make the real fruit taste insipid by thinking of the other."  Can we be content with what we are given in spite of the "expected"?  Dare we say our desires are what we need in spite of the fact God has chosen to give us something else?  How can we possibly say our view of things is more complete than His?!  And I am enlightened as I see myself doing this in being so set on wanting a boy.  I can want one, but if I am given a precious girl instead, how can I be disappointed?  How can I say God has made a mistake?  How can I be angry I have not received what I wanted...what I expected?  "...it is I, I myself, who turn from the good expected to the given good.  Out of my own heart I do it."  Oh, to trust our God so completely that we can take whatever He gives us in the exact same joy we may have had we been given the "expected."

 

My heart grows lighter, this burden is lifted.  I will rest in God's care.  I may continue to want one thing, but if I am given another, I will be content that it is His will for me and continue on from there.  I will not wallow in the past; I will not wallow in what I expected; I will, as the Green Lady, "turn from the good expected to the given good" knowing full well that is the best for me.  And if I am given what I had hoped for, may I be even more grateful in seeing my desires converge with God's.

 

I have seen this happen in my life; why is it so difficult to remember or believe?  I would not have "expected" my dear husband--but I am constantly amazed at how perfect he is for me.  God knew what I needed...and in the process filled so many of my desires as well.  I would not have "expected" to live in Iowa--but what a blessing the people have been.  And exactly what I needed.  And we have been given a beautiful home with a view on top of all of the other things.  And, showing His care for even our "petty" desires, I have a Starbucks that satisfies my coffee cravings.   What an amazing God.  He sees the little things, and when we are patient, when we give everything over to Him, we are blessed.  ABUNDANTLY!  Hallelujah and AMEN!

Inspiration

I just finished reading Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller a few days ago.  It was really an incredible book.  Not because it was well-researched and thought out like some other books I've read, but because it was real.  The author was simply sharing his walk, his experiences, his life.  It was more like a journal than a structured book.  I started thinking about a lot of different things.  How have I hurt people by being judgmental? How have I missed out on others by being selfish and wanting to stay alone?  But those could be other blogs.  This one is about how amazing people are.  God created us to be sooo different.  I read a book, and I want to share it with others.  I am inspired, sometimes convicted, sometimes encouraged.  But some people, many people, aren't like that.  My husband's not like that.  He doesn't generally sit down and read a book for the simple pleasure of it.  And he certainly doesn't scarf them down like I do.  Does that sound like a funny term for reading a book?  That's the best way I can describe it.  I read fairly quickly.  The better written, the more interesting, the faster I read.  But the thing is, I don't just read a book, put it aside, and grab another.  I digest it.  I mull it over.  I listen to what I should be learning from it.  And I can learn a lot from books others may think are worthless.  Not because I'm better or deeper. Perhaps because I have more to learn. But probably just because that's how God made me.  And that brings me back to my topic.  There are many people out there who might read books like I do.  But there are a ton more who don't.  So, what inspires you? What has God given you that makes you ask questions? That makes you think about life? What do you need to remind you Who God really is?  People? Art? Music? Nature? Cooking? Creating?

It's interesting to think about.  Sometimes when people tell me they don't read much or read at all, I have a brief moment of thinking, "Are you insane? How can you not read?"  But then I have to remind myself that everyone is not like me.  Well, no one is like me. :)  Good thing.  And that is actually what makes life fun.  Seeing what makes other people tick.  But, that gives me pause.  Do I accept others who don't value books as much as I do?  Do other people accept me even if my nose is generally in a book?  Hmmm, I guess that should go in another blog. :)

I love books.  I'm not a "classic" snob.  I might even timidly admit I don't really care for the Bronte sisters.  Not that they couldn't write. Just that it doesn't interest me.  But I'm not sure I could fill out a form about what I do like.  In the last few weeks I have read fantasy, Christian non-fiction, different fantasy, different Christian non-fiction, and I just finished another completely different series of books.  Eclectic?  Yeah.  My music is that way, too.  Movies a bit as well.  I don't like reading the same genre of book for very long.  Of course, my "very long" is a few weeks, if that.

I used to read books just to escape.  I will admit I still do that on occasion.  But mostly I read to learn and to grow and be challenged by new ideas.  And because I couldn't imagine not reading.

What makes you think? What inspires you?

Butterflies

I love butterflies.  They are beautiful, but they are also incredibly different.  So many different colors, so many different sizes.  I don’t mind caterpillars, but they aren’t as entrancing as a butterfly.  Butterflies have often been used as an analogy for God changing the life of a person who has given his or her life to Christ.  We are the same person, but we have been transformed.  We should be transformed. Right?  Sometimes we’re not.  And that is the struggle.  Sometimes we just don’t want to be butterflies.  Sometimes we don’t want to leave the comfort of our cocoon.  Sometimes we think there is nothing wrong with just being a caterpillar.  Sometimes we are butterflies who insist on walking on the ground, forgetting we can fly.  But God has a plan for us.  He wants us to be beautiful and graceful in flight.  He wants us to break free from the earth that holds us down.  When we give our lives completely to Him, He transforms us completely.  May we be transformed into His likeness.