Confessions of a fallen paladin #1

First, I suppose I need to define paladin for all who don't quite understand the term.  Merriam-Webster defines paladin as "a trusted military leader (as for a medieval prince)" and "a leading champion of a cause."  A paladin could bring to mind pictures of the Crusades and knights.  

A paladin is a class in Dungeons and Dragons and other role-playing games (RPGs).  A paladin has a very strict code by which he must live.  Any deviation from that code would result in a fall...perhaps of Biblical proportions.  Here are some more definitions:

         The paladin is a holy knight, crusading in the name of good and order...compared
         to other classes the paladin class has one of the most restrictive codes of conduct 
         in their single-mindedness and utter devotion to good.  Paladin characters are 
         expected to demonstrate and embody goodness.  It is taboo for a paladin to lie 
         or use poison, and some interpretations say [she] should only use stealth as a 
         last resort.  (taken from Wikipedia)


A paladin must be Lawful Good--which very basically means he has certain rules he must follow, and he must follow the rules always.  Any sneakiness is forbidden.  Black is black and white is white. The end.


I was a paladin.  A friend of mine says she is a recovering Pharisee.  I am a recovering paladin.  They are very similar.  I followed the rules.  I expected everyone else to follow the rules.  I was shocked when I began to realize not everyone thought the rules were important.  Not everyone followed the rules.  And, more importantly, not everyone appreciated being reminded of those rules.  Being an out-spoken paladin, I tended to...no, I HAD to, point out the rules when they were being broken.  I know now that made me very annoying to be around.  I know now that I lost friends because I sounded very self-righteous.  In a way, I was.  I knew the rules. I followed the rules.  If you didn't, you were wrong.  It didn't matter why; it didn't matter that you were a wonderful person.  There was no mercy.  There was certainly no grace.


I still believe life is black and white.  But only God can see those shades because only God can see our hearts.  My life is full of stormy gray, antique white, and steel.  I cannot judge because I am just as fallen as everyone else.  I cannot judge because I cannot see the TRUTH as God can.  And as a paladin, I thought I could.  I thought I knew what was right and what was wrong.  But I forgot about love and grace.  You see, a paladin's life is a lonely one.  A paladin doesn't have many friends.  A paladin doesn't need friends.  A paladin would sooner lop off a friend's head than let that friend make her fall.  And I'm afraid I did that.  I don't think I came out and said the words, but I think my attitude and perhaps my facial expressions did severe damage.  And, oh, does it make me cringe. Oh, does it make me weep.  All I can say is, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry."  I had no right to judge.  God told me to LOVE. Not to shake my finger. Not to point out mistakes. Not to stick up my nose.


Relient K has many songs I just love.  Here is another that sums this up for me. It's called "Who I Am Hates Who I've Been."  The chorus goes:


        Stop right there, that's exactly where I lost it.
        See that line? Well, I never should have crossed it.
        Stop right there! Well, I never should have said that
        It's the very moment that I wish that I could take back.
        I'm sorry for the person I became.
        I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change.
        I'm ready to try to never become that way again.
        'Cause who I am hates who I've been
        Who I am hates who I've been.


I'm not a paladin any more.  Oh, I think I still try to be a champion for the weak and helpless.  I still don't like when people don't follow the rules...but since I'm married to a rogue (and have another best friend who is a rogue)...well, I know about not following the rules, too.  And there's God's sense of humor for you.  What better way to calm a paladin and tame a rogue than to make them fall head over heels in love?  Because a paladin destroys without grace and a rogue destroys without mercy.  A middle ground embraces grace and love.  A middle ground leads by example and loves.  A middle ground embraces the sinner and hates the sin.  A middle ground follows the rules because of love, not duty.  A middle ground LOVES.