Confessions of a fallen paladin #1

First, I suppose I need to define paladin for all who don't quite understand the term.  Merriam-Webster defines paladin as "a trusted military leader (as for a medieval prince)" and "a leading champion of a cause."  A paladin could bring to mind pictures of the Crusades and knights.  

A paladin is a class in Dungeons and Dragons and other role-playing games (RPGs).  A paladin has a very strict code by which he must live.  Any deviation from that code would result in a fall...perhaps of Biblical proportions.  Here are some more definitions:

         The paladin is a holy knight, crusading in the name of good and order...compared
         to other classes the paladin class has one of the most restrictive codes of conduct 
         in their single-mindedness and utter devotion to good.  Paladin characters are 
         expected to demonstrate and embody goodness.  It is taboo for a paladin to lie 
         or use poison, and some interpretations say [she] should only use stealth as a 
         last resort.  (taken from Wikipedia)


A paladin must be Lawful Good--which very basically means he has certain rules he must follow, and he must follow the rules always.  Any sneakiness is forbidden.  Black is black and white is white. The end.


I was a paladin.  A friend of mine says she is a recovering Pharisee.  I am a recovering paladin.  They are very similar.  I followed the rules.  I expected everyone else to follow the rules.  I was shocked when I began to realize not everyone thought the rules were important.  Not everyone followed the rules.  And, more importantly, not everyone appreciated being reminded of those rules.  Being an out-spoken paladin, I tended to...no, I HAD to, point out the rules when they were being broken.  I know now that made me very annoying to be around.  I know now that I lost friends because I sounded very self-righteous.  In a way, I was.  I knew the rules. I followed the rules.  If you didn't, you were wrong.  It didn't matter why; it didn't matter that you were a wonderful person.  There was no mercy.  There was certainly no grace.


I still believe life is black and white.  But only God can see those shades because only God can see our hearts.  My life is full of stormy gray, antique white, and steel.  I cannot judge because I am just as fallen as everyone else.  I cannot judge because I cannot see the TRUTH as God can.  And as a paladin, I thought I could.  I thought I knew what was right and what was wrong.  But I forgot about love and grace.  You see, a paladin's life is a lonely one.  A paladin doesn't have many friends.  A paladin doesn't need friends.  A paladin would sooner lop off a friend's head than let that friend make her fall.  And I'm afraid I did that.  I don't think I came out and said the words, but I think my attitude and perhaps my facial expressions did severe damage.  And, oh, does it make me cringe. Oh, does it make me weep.  All I can say is, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry."  I had no right to judge.  God told me to LOVE. Not to shake my finger. Not to point out mistakes. Not to stick up my nose.


Relient K has many songs I just love.  Here is another that sums this up for me. It's called "Who I Am Hates Who I've Been."  The chorus goes:


        Stop right there, that's exactly where I lost it.
        See that line? Well, I never should have crossed it.
        Stop right there! Well, I never should have said that
        It's the very moment that I wish that I could take back.
        I'm sorry for the person I became.
        I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change.
        I'm ready to try to never become that way again.
        'Cause who I am hates who I've been
        Who I am hates who I've been.


I'm not a paladin any more.  Oh, I think I still try to be a champion for the weak and helpless.  I still don't like when people don't follow the rules...but since I'm married to a rogue (and have another best friend who is a rogue)...well, I know about not following the rules, too.  And there's God's sense of humor for you.  What better way to calm a paladin and tame a rogue than to make them fall head over heels in love?  Because a paladin destroys without grace and a rogue destroys without mercy.  A middle ground embraces grace and love.  A middle ground leads by example and loves.  A middle ground embraces the sinner and hates the sin.  A middle ground follows the rules because of love, not duty.  A middle ground LOVES. 

15 years

17 years, 9 months, 2 days.  We both aren't great with when things happened. So we just picked a date and said it was our first date.  We were working at Cascades Camp in Yelm, WA.  We were both counselors. We really weren't supposed to date. He already had a girlfriend back in Chicago. I had come to camp thinking to clear my head. No boys. No complications.  God's funny like that.

If you had described him to me, I would not have said, "Yep, that's the perfect guy for me."  He doesn't really like sports, he's not much of a reader, he doesn't always (usually?) follow the rules. But the more I got to know this "Splinter" (his camp name), the more I was hooked.  He was fun. He had a great sense of humor. He had long hair. He wore a bandanna. He wore Tevas most of the time. He even had his ear pierced. He was incredible. He had chocolate brown eyes you could drown in. He was so not what I had been looking for.  He was perfect.

Our first date was a double date of sorts with my best friend and my second cousin (who also happened to be a counselor there that summer).  After we sent our campers home, we had the rest of the day off.  We all hiked up to Fossil Rock. An incredibly beautiful place. Look one direction, and it looks like you could reach out and touch Mt. Rainier. Look the other direction and you can almost see the camp and then on forever.  We even looked down on an eagle once.  It was a beautiful day, and I was excited to finally be out with this guy.  After hiking, we went back to my friend's car.  Someone had broken into it and stolen her tapes and my purse.  Not cool, but not the most horrible thing in the world.  I didn't have much money and the only thing that was slightly a big deal was that my glasses were in the purse. (They were miraculously found a month or two later)  The idea of having things stolen was a little upsetting and my sweet date (sitting in the back with my cousin) reached up and affectionately rubbed my shoulder to comfort me.  My heart went a mile a minute.  Then we went to see a movie. Pretty darn close to the worst movie ever. It was Cool World.  And my dear date practically fell asleep, it was that dreadful. But we had something to laugh about because we all agreed it was terrible.  And that's where my brain turned off apparently because I can't really remember anything else that happened that night.  But that was the beginning of sorts.


15 years. Saturday, May 6, 1995.  It wasn't a perfect day for a wedding. It was cloudy and a little cool. But it didn't matter. Frankly, nothing mattered that day but getting married.  I was not the kind of girl who had the whole wedding planned in her head and it HAD to go perfectly. It didn't go perfectly, but my family was there. Steve's family was there. Our friends were there. We were at the camp where we had met nearly 3 years earlier. It was perfect. It was right. And it was most definitely God-planned.  

This man. This man who had left a good catering job and plans to be a chef because God told him he was going into ministry. This man who was almost the direct opposite of me in many ways.  This man with whom I really didn't have a whole lot in common. (It's amazing how much we have in common now.)  This man who still can make my heart flutter by simply whispering "Hi" in my ear. This man who still can make my knees buckle with a kiss. This man whom I love more than anyone or anything on the planet, and even more now after nearly 18 years together.


I could say it doesn't seem like we've been married 15 years. But I could also say it seems like a lot longer.  It doesn't seem like it has been 15 years because I don't feel old enough to have been married that long.  It seems like a lot longer because I feel like I have known him forever.  He knows me better than anyone. And, surprisingly enough, he loves me better than anyone. :)  This is my best friend. We have so many "in-jokes" we could talk for hours without anyone having any idea what we were talking about.  One word can make us laugh.  I can ask him, "Would I like this?" And he knows. He is rarely surprised by anything I say or do. And he loves when I say, "I can't believe you just said that." Mostly because it's a rarity.  

I don't like being away from him. Ever.  I love sharing everything with him.  He complements me in ways that make me a better person.  Being my opposite has brought us both to a happier and healthier middle ground. Both of us have grown closer to God because of the other person. And I look forward to spending the rest of my life with him. And more.